Something Old, Something New

Where Are We?

Remember when I said I’d ‘likely be a ghost until Summer 2019 or later‘? Well, looks like it was the latter half of that statement that held true. Later, as in, much later. Oh boy, is that 2021? It would be fantastic if I could say I’ve been on an extended journey of self-discovery. However, I think we all know what has occurred in this timeframe. I’ve been sitting inside, working, alone, like a subset of the planet’s population. How has it possibly been two years? I’m sitting here looking forward to writing up a big recap of all the important, and less important events that have come up. Yet there is very little, it all kind of blurs together, like a year of time has been robbed from all of us without consent.

I’m always slightly more aware than I’d like that my life is currently similar to being imprisoned. What is more disturbing is that I’m in the top percentiles of humanity. In being in a lucky, good, and positive position in this time. There are many ways in which my current situation could be far worse. I’ve been feeling good, I worry about little, I’m just a little lost really. At least I’ve managed to avoid being an actual ghost forever. In general, everyone tends to be anxious about wasting time. I’m curious about how things are going to change now that we’ve been collectively forced to sacrifice a year or two together. It’s kind of broken the ice on time wasting and how we live out our limited lives.

What the Hell is Going on?

Speaking of being robbed, I’m unsure if I’ve mentioned this before, but I’ve been employed full time in technical support for a little over a year and a half now. Nailed the timing on getting a ‘real‘ job moments before the whole world took a coffee break. It’s been good so far. I work for a nice company and many of my anxieties about working with other people have not been realised. I like the stability. I’m very naïve though. Getting your first proper job so late in life has left me feeling far behind and I’m learning a lot about how all this works. Overall, though, better than I expected and a good thing.

As time wears on ceaselessly I’ve been spending more time with my parent. It’s been lovely to reconcile some eternal issues, like a choppy ocean becoming just a little calmer. Social activities in general are on a downtrend though. I’m sorely missing meeting new people. Some of you may have seen me haunting Grindr. It’s all a bit of a façade. We’re all going through the motions but there is a fear lingering in the background. It’s like trying to vibe while a spectre screams in the corner of the room. Uncomfortable and difficult to ignore.

I’m just not sure what to do with my time at the moment. Sure, video games exist but they get quite stale when it’s all you do. Work is fun, but you can’t do that all day every day. Chatting to strangers online is fairly fun but kind of hits a brick wall when you can’t actually physically get to know them. So, in the meantime I’ve been attempting to recover from the so called ‘covid stone’. The excess weight that tends to come from not going anywhere and eating a few too many takeaways. Even then, there’s only so much dieting and working out you can do in one day.

Still Here - Somehow

This Can't be Happening

Is Outside Even Real?

It’s frightening that although I’m not currently in lockdown by law. I still feel unable to get out and do anything. Activities feel reduced somehow. I can go out, meet people, party even. It’s just not the same. That god damn spectre again. I’m concerned that the rest of the world may heal faster than I will. I’m likely overthinking the whole ordeal but I’ve never been 100% on the social front. Here’s hoping that not too many people will be introduced to social anxiety for the first time. For me, the main problem is honestly financial. To commit such a large part of my budget into socialising and going outside again is a larger barrier than you might think.

My conscious mind sees this as the end of the pandemic. I’m sitting here writing a little review of the whole thing. My subconscious mind is screaming, loudly. It’s painfully aware that we’ll be in this exact situation come early 2022. I remember when it was all a bit of a novelty. Now I feel like I didn’t develop the necessary skills to endure this lifestyle for this long. I’m figuring out how to self-motivate and self-validate. How to chase my dreams and passions from a much smaller resource pool. I enjoy reading my blog posts back, being able to peer over the wall at who I was back then. I wonder how I’ll feel looking back at this particular entry in my life?

In more upbeat news, I’ve been sim racing like a maniac. I’ve met so many fantastic people. It’s near impossible to imagine that I’ve known them all for a year already. The main highlights have been winning the 8 hours of Silverstone in the dark in monsoon conditions, racing alongside Jenson Button and James Baldwin, and participating in three seasons of More Female Racers. I’m unsure how much time I will be able to commit to this in the future. I’m happy with what I’ve achieved in this little pit stop from reality.

It's All for the Best? Of Course it is

I didn’t want this post to be off-colour. Looks like that didn’t go super well. Anyway, hanging on to what is good is always important, gratitude and all that. Speaking of colour, I hope you will have noticed the, albeit small, facelift that the lair has went through. It is still a bit of a work in progress because improvement is an endless never-ending loop. I’m bashfully attempting to breathe some life back into the Discord server. I’ve matured a fair bit since I closed it down and I think I’m ready to have it be part of my life again.

So uh, porn huh? It’s been a long time since I’ve done much of that. Kind of unfortunate considering that’s supposed to be my thing. A few things have contributed to this. Mostly my living situation, I spent a fair amount of this pandemic not living alone, thankfully. At the moment I’m currently on my own and looking to buy my own home which is exciting and stressful.  I’m in a position to create again. Just need a little more time to tweak my body into a nicer shape. Looking to the future this should be about the middle of August 2021, but you know how I tend to be with schedules.

For the few people who get far enough to read my streams of consciousness. I truly hope you’re doing okay. Things are hard. It’s fine to not be 100% right now. It’s about survival. Having the stamina to make it through this is priority one. Any painful situation that you don’t have a definite end point to is made infinitely more difficult. No one knows when this is going to be over, so just keep your head screwed on and take things one day at a time. You got this. We’ve been practicing being shut-ins our whole life, this is just the final exam.

Anyway, I think that’s quite enough from me for now. Let me leave you with a little teaser of things to come. Pretty neat, huh? Maybe my degree was useful for something after all.